The best parts of senior year are cancelled.

My mind travels back to convocation. After it, we saw a rainbow in the sky. It felt like a good omen for the upcoming four years.

And many good things have happened since. But that time has been cut short. Where’s the happy ending? I thought rainbows came after the rain, not before.

Because of the COVID-19 outbreak, classes will now be online and campus events of over 50 people are cancelled. Graduation is postponed and the details uncertain. Chancellor Guskiewicz asked students repeatedly to stay off UNC-Chapel Hill’s campus.

But when we got back, I realized all I’d miss.

Those special Carolina songs like Carolina On My Mind and Hark the Sound — ones that mean so much to seniors at graduation and even when they become alumni.

Senior bar golf. Maybe, finally, streaking in Davis library, since it’s the last semester. Taking cap and gown pictures by Bell Tower with an exploding champagne glass. Going to the last basketball games. Participating in other rites of passage, like Carolina For the Kids’ Dance Marathon, if you haven’t already. (I’m glad now that peer pressure roped me in my first year.)

Then there are events specific to personal campus organizations. There are few things I’ve looked forward to more than my campus ministry’s Senior Banquet, consisting of picture-taking, a skit in which other students play the seniors, and toasts.

Now I may never know who was going to play me in the skit, or what parts of my brand they were going to emphasize and tease about. I may never know who would’ve given my toast and what they’d say.

As someone whose love language is words of affirmation, I’m struggling.

While she’s grieved some with me, my mom has pushed me to look towards the future.

“Have you started looking into jobs? Church? Women’s Center? This would be a great time to work on applying. Your rent money from scholarships and financial aid ends in May,” her texts said.

I’m stressed. I’m worried enough about classes and the social anxiety that comes with Zoom, but now I’m also worried about my imposter syndrome flaring up while I try to find a job in what could be an impending recession. People have been getting laid off. Am I really going to get hired now?

The cancellation of events could hurt my chances. I was working on big events for organizations such as the Executive Branch of Student Government, in which I planned to get high attendance numbers to add to my resume and LinkedIn.

But those events aren’t happening anymore. I’m thankful that I’ve worked hard my whole time here at Carolina.

And that’s the point — even among all of the disappointment, I found the good. I became prouder of myself for my accomplishments throughout all of my years. I realized that I’m more of an introvert than I thought, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I realized the importance of self-care and breaks.

I realized how much my friends and experiences have meant to me because they are, in a way, gone.

When this awful pandemic ends, I hope I take that knowledge with me.